Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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