my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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