I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
