I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
