As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
