i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
