Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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