I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
