I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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