Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
God gave him joint rollers for hands
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
