I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the liver wants what the liver wants
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
