New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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