ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My feet surprised me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
