really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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