is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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