at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
