Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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