he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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