Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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