i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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