Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
