Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
