That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
