i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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