now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
