I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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