I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
