it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
