its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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