roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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