when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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