she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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