In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
