dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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