Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
