someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
