is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
