Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
