Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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