I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
