If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
