We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
