hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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