Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
