I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
