So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
