She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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