Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
