I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
