OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
