I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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