Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
