She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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