The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you will always have a special place in my vag
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
