You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
