The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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