I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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