vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize