We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
