I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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