I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
