So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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