last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
