How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
