so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize