they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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