I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
