I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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