hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
