I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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